By 

Max Van de Velde

August 2018

c/o jamesvandevelde@yahoo.com

Copyright 2018

Dedication

I dedicate this book to the children of US military men and women who help our parents by surviving the emotionally difficult year without our mothers or fathers. They assist our country by relieving our parents of the pain and emotional toll of worrying about us. Our duty is to be as good, as hard working, and as happy as possible, while our parents sacrifice for the country’s greater good. We suffer in silence.

Preface

My father, Lieutenant Commander James Richard Van de Velde, is an intelligence officer for the United States Navy Reserves. He joined the US Navy long before he met my mother and I was born. He performed long term assignments at Southern Command, Panama; NATO Headquarters, Belgium; Naval Forces South, Naples, Italy; Defense Intelligence Agency Headquarters, Washington, D.C.; and the US Detention Facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. All of these assignments were performed before I came along.

In March 2017, however, my mother and father informed my 7-year-old sister and I that the US Navy was sending him to Afghanistan for 8 months starting at the end of the month. I was 12 at the time. What he said to me was inconceivably hard to hear.

I thought that it would help me if I wrote about what I was thinking and feeling as a way to deal with my father’s departure and long-term assignment to a war zone.

This is my journal.

YOU LEAVE

April 1, 2017 (Saturday)

Tomorrow you leave. Even though I get to spend the morning with you, it already feels like you are gone. I am having trouble understanding what is happening. I have no control over you leaving. I have no voice or opinion in the matter. I must sit by and watch what is happening.

It is currently 11:00 pm as I am writing this because I can’t sleep — I’m too emotional — and I don’t know what else to do. I am incredibly sad.

There are two reasons why I am writing this book:  First, writing to you, as if I am speaking to you, makes me feel like you are still here. And second, this book I plan as a gift for you to read when you get back.

I wonder, though I am too scared to think too long about it, whether I will ever see you again.

I feel like I haven’t done enough with you in life before you left.

I’m exhausted, despite not being able to sleep.

April 2, 2017 (Sunday)

You said goodbye to me this morning and left. I don’t remember what you said. I couldn’t concentrate on your words. You are officially gone. It feels like something inside me was ripped out. I don’t know what I am going to do without you for eight months. 

No more Daddy to greet me when I get home from school. No more Daddy dinners. No more Daddy playtime. No more Daddy homework help. It already seems like you’ve been gone for a while. What if I forget you? What if I forget the way you look or talk?

When you come back, will it be like having a new father? Will you be ‘new?’ Will you be different? Will you be whole?

I want to answer these questions now. But I must wait eight months for these answers. 

(Mommy’s telling me to go to sleep. Goodnight Daddy, wherever you are.)

April 3, 2017 (Monday)

Hello again!  I wish you were here, but I am also proud that you are serving our country. Today it rained a lot. Is it God crying that you are gone, like I am?

Mommy told me that you said there is a Five Guys at the base in Virginia you are at today. That must be a little heaven before Afghanistan. Wake up; work; after work — go to Five Guys. I sort of wish I was there!  

Grandpa and Grandma are here to fill in for you while you are away. Today, they went shopping at Costco. (Did you know Costco sells croissants? I had two!)

I took out two plates. One for you and one for me and pretended you were here. I thought about Paris — the city you say is your favorite place in the world. The croissants make me think about you. Just about everything makes me think about you. 

Grandma and Grandpa were clearly trying to cheer Julia and me up today. They were talking to Julia and me a lot and trying to distract us, which sort of made me sadder and think of you more. I could tell that they were affected by your departure too. They weren’t quite themselves.

I ended up eating both croissants…

April 4, 2017 (Tuesday)

How are you doing? (I’m fine, thanks for asking in my head…)  Where are you today?

We decorated for Easter a bit. It’s a bit strange to decorate for Easter without you. While going through the Easter decorations, Julia found bunny ears. Julia walked up to Gracie (we are cat-sitting Mommy’s friend Lisa’ cat, Gracie) and Gracie attacked Julia!  She bolted right over to Julia and hissed!  Now Julia is scared of Gracie.

Gracie is a very docile cat. It was astonishing to me that such a small and cute animal could become so angry and violent for no real reason. Is this what people do when they are scared?

I had soccer practice today too. Your absence makes me want to try harder. I knew that you made a great sacrifice to go to Afghanistan. I need to take that act and use it to motivate me (not that you need to continually go on military assignments!)

April 5, 2017 (Wednesday)

Guess what? Today, at school, I was elected student of the month. Each core teach nominates a student and I was one of them. I was nominated by Ms. Holihan, my English teacher. I received a certificate, a bumper sticker and a pencil. Ms. Holihan picked me because — in her words — I am a solid student:  I’m hard working and I don’t cause trouble, unlike some kids. Is it a coincidence this happened the week after you left? Mommy didn’t say anything to Ms. Holihan, so I don’t think this was some sympathy election. In the cafeteria, the Principal got on the speaker and announced the kids of the month per grade. When I walked up to receive my certificate for student of the month, I felt proud. 

I’ve been thinking about you all day. I wish you could experience these events with you. I will write you tomorrow.

April 6, 2017 (Thursday)

Today I had a near death experience. During first period, it was raining hard outside. Then, all of a sudden … BOOM!  Everything flashed white — like a flash grenade — and my body jolted with energy. A bolt of lightning struck the eighth-grade metal door, about 59 feet from where I was sitting. Some said the door got so hot, it started to melt!  No one was injured or killed, of course, during the event. After class, the fire department arrived and checked out the school. 

The event made me think. I’ve never experienced such an unexpected, sudden, and scary event. In one second everything changed. And everything almost changed fatally for someone. How strange that such an event happened to me here, today, while you are on your way to a war zone. Life today proved a bit prophetic (is that the right word?). 

April 7, 2017 (Friday)

Day one of college touring:  I know I am only 12, but it’s never too early to start! (I think Mommy is trying to distract us.)

Mommy’s friend, Shannon, and her 13-year-old daughter, Cassidy, were visiting from San Diego and they wanted to see some of the universities in our area. Our first stop was Georgetown University. I got to see where you teach at night, which of course made the day especially meaningful. I kept thinking how strange that we are here, but you are not, and that I could walk the university where you teach, but was not here with you.

Mommy took us downtown later to tour the White House. Not only was it a great experience, but we had an unexpected visitor!  A security guard sped down the halls, telling tourists to move to the left side of the hallway. Behind him were several executives and bodyguards followed by Vice President Mike Pence! Yes! Next to us were some close friends of Vice President Pence, who stopped to greet them. He shook the hand of a boy next to us, who was about Julia’s age and said “Always remember to Work hard and Pray hard!”  Because we happen to be standing next to them, the Vice President shook our hands too and said, ‘God Bless you!’

In person, the Vice President seemed nice — maybe a little different than he seems on TV. How weird that today I woke up and ended up meeting the Vice President! 

After that experience, we all went to Catholic University. We first drove around the campus to look at the fantastic architecture and met a couple students on campus. We didn’t do a tour, but we walked around much of the campus.

The one big memory I have, of course, is the one big church at Catholic University. Its extraordinary — the size of the church made me feel like it was built for God. 

Were these experiences somehow placing my life and your absence into some larger perspective? Was there deeper meaning to these sites than just the experience of seeing them? I can’t help but think these questions.

April 8, 2017 (Saturday)

Today we visited three more colleges:  George Washington University; the University of Maryland; and Johns Hopkins University. None of us particularly liked George Washington University. First, the speaker wasn’t particularly helpful. She blocked half of the projector screen and kept making self-serving comments. She laughed at her own jokes when everyone else was silent. She also led us to a grassy area on campus — a spot she choose to tell us about the university, which was next to a loud construction area and students were blowing fog horns for reasons unknown. We couldn’t hear a thing she said.

The second college we visited, the University of Maryland, was much nicer. It was probably my favorite of the universities we visited today. The tour guides were helpful, educated, and clearly devoted to Maryland. Johns Hopkins was a lot like George Washington University (but in a more dangerous location!)  Students there were also blaring horrible music. I know you also teach at Johns Hopkins University, but at the downtown campus. I’m not so sure I liked the undergraduate campus but then again, I’m only 12. 

Visiting these colleges, however, made me think more about you because you teach at Georgetown and Johns Hopkins, as well as the United States National Intelligence University. I wondered if you had come with us, students might have recognized you. I wondered too why you taught at Georgetown and Johns Hopkins but not the others. I wondered what you taught, never having really asked you or fully understood your expertise. Because you were not there, I started asking myself many questions about you I never asked when you were home. These visits had the effect of making me more curious about you, precisely because you weren’t with us. I also think I would have bonded more with all these colleges if you were there, not to mention the fact that I was visiting these six colleges with three women (well, two adult women and one 13-year-old). How would this visit have been different had you been with us (or just with me)? Would we have visited the sports stadium? Or talked about campus parties? Would you have told me about your college days? Would you have told me your opinion about what is important in college? Would my experience have been different had I visited these six universities with you, instead of Mommy?

April 9, 2017 (Sunday)

Today we visited another college – the US Naval Academy. The first thing we did was to check out the campus church. Since it was Palm Sunday, the church was handing out palms to visitors. We then watched the Academy Band play a few songs in the church. Next, we visited the Visitors’ Center where we watched a video on the Academy. I wondered if you had to do any of these things to get into the US Navy. I realized I hadn’t ever learned how or why your joined the Navy. I just knew you were in the Navy. 

The video was inspiring; it was about US Navy Seals and showed what was required physically to become a Navy Seal. The video suggested to me that very few young men are likely qualified mentally and physically to join the Navy. I wouldn’t say it was intimating, since the video was about those men and women who chose to enter the Navy. But it did suggest that the military is selective and that not many are qualified. 

Then we went to the gift shop and Mommy bought me a Navy football … and some gummies. Afterwards, we stepped outside the gift shop and sat outside on the benches we sat on with you the last time we visited the Naval Academy. While sitting on the benches, a woman in uniform walked by and we stopped her and asked her about the Academy. She seemed to know a lot about the Academy and seemed very devoted to the Navy.

The Academy seemed very different from George Washington, Johns Hopkins and Georgetown. It was a strict environment and gave me the sense that it was a much harder place to live and study than the civilian universities. This made me more – not less – interested in the Academy. The other universities didn’t have uniforms, or a tie to the US Government, or were nearly as clean as the Academy. Students were obviously there not just to study, but to challenge themselves physically and mentally. 

April 10, 2017 (Monday)

Grandma, Grandpa, Julia and I went to the Mall today. First, we went to the Apple Store to fix something Grandpa’s lithium battery. Next, we ate at Five Guys at the Food Court. I ordered a large fry, as usual, but then remembered that you weren’t there to help me finish it. We go to Five Guys, I told myself, because you and I both like it and share the French fries. Here I am at Five Guys ordering what was our usual order, except things were not usual. After the Mall, we went to visit Mr. Wes (our tenant in our townhouse) to give him the Washington National’s bobble head player you and I got for him as a thank you for the National game tickets he gave us as part of his season pass benefits. Remember?  But he already owned that bobble head player!  And instead, Mr. Wes gave me a bobble head duplicate he had. (What a deal.)  PS:  Today was the first official day of spring break. And of course, you are not here.

April 11, 2017 (Tuesday)

Today I had soccer practice; only six players showed up. Coach cut the practice short, given how few of us were there. Instead of you driving me, Grandpa took me.

April 12, 2017 (Wednesday)

This was one of those bad days. I’m done. I don’t know what it is or what I am feeling – you being gone or just life. But today was the last straw. These problems are just too big for me to solve. I cannot stop retaliating against Julia for when she upsets me, no matter how hard I try. And I remember you told me I had to control myself while I was away. It is mentally and physically impossible for me to stop.

My mind is full of these things that Julia does to upset me. But it seems to kind of help me to write this down, if that makes sense. It helps me process these events. GOD, all I want to do is go to sleep. In fact, I think that is exactly what I will do.

April 13, 2017 (Thursday)

Nothing interesting happened today. Literally nothing. So, I worked on architectural art that I saw on YouTube. These videos of people drawing buildings in one and two-point perspectives are really interesting. I took the ‘two-point route’ and drew some of my own drawings. 

I miss you and want you to come home.

April 14, 2017 (Friday)

Today was another one of those days:  nothing to do and no place to go. I probably played video games today for three hours nonstop. 

I heard that you were training in South Carolina this week with about 30 other guys. (You eat, sleep and shower with them all?!)  It sounds kind of like my outdoor education trip, but with four times more people!  Of course, outdoor ed was fun, whereas your training probably is not. At least that is what I expect. I assumed you were preparing physically for things unexpected. Training seemed like a smart and appropriate thing to do, before arriving in such a dangerous place in the world. At least, hopefully, you will come home stronger than you were before. Ok time for bed.

April 15, 2017 (Saturday)

Today we went to Mommy’s work colleague’s house for an afternoon Easter Party. Mr. Minichello built a tree house for his family and added a zipline. The tree house was more of a deck than a house in the limbs of the tree but was still a lot to fun to be on. I wondered if you could build such a thing. You are constantly working when you are home. Would you even have time to build such a thing?  Will you be well enough to build such things when you return?

The zipline was not strong enough to hold anyone over 80 pounds, so I couldn’t go on it. Mr. Minichello said he would like to make it stronger so maybe next year I will be able to go on it.

Before our Easter egg hunt, we played capture the flag, which I though it kind of a game of war. Yes, it made me think of you. We also played the pinecone game, which basically is a game where you throw pinecones at each other. Yes, it too made me think how many games are games of power and war. Is what you are doing a game?  Why do people fight?  Why are you somewhere far from home fighting for other people?  What does that war over there have to do with my life over here?  You tried to explain briefly why you had to go. I can’t say I understood or cared much.

After the pinecone game, we had the egg hunt and ate s’mores. Ok, it was a nice day. 

April 16, 2017 (Sunday)

Happy Easter!  I hope you did something fun on Easter Sunday over in Afghanistan. (Why does such a sentence sound so funny?)  Yes, I know most there are Muslims, but I assume there are at least some Catholics there, no?  Maybe others in the military are Catholic?  Are there churches in Afghanistan or on the base you are staying?

We went to Mass in the morning. Did you?  If not, did you at least pray?  If so, what did you pray for in Afghanistan?

Well today was a fun day. We went to Aunt Wendy’s house and Teresa, Laura, and Henry (my cousins) were there. We all had dinner and another East egg hunt. Julia found the golden egg, which had five dollars in it. After the egg hunt, we went across the street to the park. We ran there and played there for over an hour. When we came back, we all had dessert. Teresa brought a pot of ‘dirt’ from the Easter bunny. She said to try it. I looked over to Sienna (my cousin) and I see her eating the dirt. The dirt in fact was Oreo cookie crumbs on top of pudding.

April 17, 2017 (Monday)

Yesterday was the last day of spring break. I wish we had more time. The week felt like a day. Now I must wake up early again. Gracie (the cat we are cat sitting for Mommy’s colleague Lisa) woke me up early. I swear she is a visionary!  She was slapping my legs like they were mice. The cat was jumping around hyper from God knows what. Then Gracie leap off the bed and bolted down the hallway, meowing like a mad cat. Now she is back, stepping on my notebook. I guess she enjoys the movement of the pencil because that’s what she’s looking at.

I go back to school today. Life is marching forward no matter what is happening elsewhere. I wonder if your life is the same. Do you have routines?  Do you get breaks?  

April 18, 2017 (Tuesday)

You know, school felt different today for some reason. Maybe because I have been away for a week?  In most classes, teachers asked us what we did over spring break. For me, spring break was touring the White House, meeting the Vice President, and exploring six different universities (two in which you teach). I thought my week was one of the better ones, though other student had good stories too. Nathan toured the White House too!  He didn’t meet the Vice President, though. Kemka went to Dubai. Isn’t that a place you’ve been too?  I think you went to Abu Dhabi, but did you get to Dubai too?  That trip of yours was only a year ago and already I am forgetting things about your life. That’s a strange feeling. Life seems to be going by fast – too fast to record or remember everything. What if I never remember these things about your life?

Bob went to Florida. He seems to always go to Florida. 

Two others toured universities too. I thought I would have been the only one to do such a thing in 6^th grade!

April 20, 2017 (Thursday)

Today at lunch, Mr. Herdman handed out ‘participation gifts’ to everyone who was in GT Research and entered into ExporaVision. The gift was one of those light up fans for summer. The LED lights flicker to form the words ‘ExploraVision’ and ‘Celebrating 25 Years.’

Also, the science group tested another thermal protection system (TPS) – our homemade heat shield material for space capsules. We now have the record for ‘highest time’ in our class. The TPS lasted one-minute forty seconds, and five seconds the second time. That’s an A for inconsistency!  Thankfully, the longest time wins. If we continue to hold the record for the strongest shield, we will earn one hundred extra points – that’s practically a guaranteed class A for our group.

April 21, 2017 (Friday)

My PE teacher always puts me in the ‘non-athlete’ group. Of course. He never says that, but it’s obvious. I consider myself pretty athletic, yet I always end up in the non-athlete team, like Rowley from ‘Dairies of a Wimpy Kid.’ The kids I am with are those who can’t do a pushup. They even tell me I shouldn’t be with them. And when I play, I play the hardest I can. My PE teacher must see that, yet he never moves me up to a more athletic group. Do I appear non athletic?

April 22, (Saturday)

Its 11:00 pm so I need to make this quick. Today, as Mommy said, we saw the musical, Annie. We went to the Lyric Theater in Baltimore. It was fun to see kids act on stage. They were terrific. At one point, someone did a high kick that showed her underwear!  I guess its impressive that they are talented and comfortable doing shows like this in front of so many people. It was a fun evening. Of course, you were not there.

I am always conscious that you are not here. It does not need to be said or noticed. Every event, every moment does not have you here.

Earlier today, my new soccer team had our first game. Someone named our team, ‘the Benchers.’ (Who would name a team such a name??)  I had some sort of food poisoning today so I didn’t play at all. We lost. And you were not here.

April 23, 2017 (Sunday)

Today, I played in my first soccer game with the team. We did pretty well. In the first half, out team scored two goals and the other team was shut out. We must have gotten too laid back, because in the second half, within two minutes, the other team scored twice. Neither team scored again after that. I think I played well. I played mid field the whole game and so didn’t have much of a chance to score a goal. I did take on shot though. Unfortunately, it deflected off a defender’s back. The score ended 2-2.

April 24, 2017 (Monday)

Today, Mommy, Julia and I were listening to the 2015 Adele song:

“Hello. It’s me. I was wondering if after all these [weeks] you’d like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

Hello. Can you hear me?  I’m in [Maryland] dreaming about who we used to be. When we were younger …  I’ve forgotten how it felt before [you left].”

I wonder how your day was today.

April 25, 2017 (Tuesday)

At the bus stop today, my friend Alex asked me how you were doing. I don’t remember what I said. I only remember that I did not say much or want to talk about him being gone. I am not sure if talking about you being gone will make me feel better or much worse. I tend not to say much at all.

Today we had an event at school called “Tropical Tuesday.”  Everyone dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and wore leis:  I dressed up by putting on a lei and sunglasses too big for my eyes. 

I also had PE today. The teacher made us run a ¾ mile. The last time I did one of those I took about seven minutes. This time I did much better and finished in six minutes. The teacher thought I skipped a lap or something. He backed off after I told him I finished with a passive aggressive attitude. Now he has records of how “fast” we are.

April 26, 2017 (Wednesday)

Today in English we had a writing contest!  We were all give fifteen minutes to write a short story. I chose to use the plot of Last Descendants for my story. I ended with third place out of my GT class. I’d say I did pretty well.

In Science we went outside to collect trash. It was actually kind of surprising how much trash there was around the school. People found cigarette butts, straws, plastic bags, etc. While we picked up trash Mrs. Vinje let us blow bubbles. Trash and bubbles … interesting combo.

Only a few times my friends at school asked me about my father while he was away. Like with my friend Alex, I said little about him and my life without him. I think it is simply safer for me not to talk about it. I don’t enjoy the attention or the question, though I know that most of my friends are simply making sure all is well.

May 1, 2017 (Monday)

It’s May!  Monday is the perfect day for May, you know why?  Because the first, and two last letters of Monday spell May!

Remember those Yo Mama jokes that used to be popular?  Apparently, Echo has a skill called “Open Yo Mama Jokes.”  Of course, Julia and I just HAD to try it!  Eventually, Mommy told us to stop, so we did. Hours later I ask Echo for another Yo Mama joke…she responds. “Yo mama don’t like me tellin’ Yo Mama jokes!”  That is some serious wizardry if you ask me.

I decided to ask again, just to see what would happen. Guess what?!  She said the same thing!  I somehow broke her programming to make her say that every single time!  

It’s been a week of school and sports and things with no you.

May 2, 2017 (Tuesday)

One full month down!   Seven more to go until you come home. 

I had soccer practice today. First we paired into groups of two, for two vs. two mini soccer games. I was with Rey. We won our first game, lost our second, won the third, and lost the fourth.

After the mini games, Coach split us up into two teams. The teams played each other. I’m not 100 percent sure, but I’m pretty certain we won.

Once practice was over, Mommy and I went to Royal Farms, just like we used to do.

May 5, 2017 (Friday)

It’s late, so I’ll have to make this quick. (Is it late for you?)

Today, after school, we saw a play Clarksville Middle School was hosting — Tarzan. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, I’d rate it a five. The only reason why is because some people didn’t seem to try their hardest. There were a couple extremely good actors/singers, though.

Again, it’s really late so goodnight and good bye wherever you are.

May 7, 2017 (Sunday)

Tomorrow I have PARCC testing at school. To prepare, we did practice tests online. Tonight we’re going to bed early so I’m nice and well rested. Hopefully, I’ll have a healthy breakfast in the morning, so I can focus completely on the test.

Julia had a birthday party to go to today. I decided to tag along; it was at Splashdown, indoor waterpark. They had two waterslides, a diving board, and a rope to swing off of.

This was my first time back in water for a couple months, so it felt different. It was fun, Julia hung out with friends, while I did flips off the diving board. On the rope swing into the water, there was this one guy who was able to do a backflip using the rope!  Its life but without Daddy. 

May 11, 2017 (Thursday)

Today I stayed home from school because of some sort of sickness. We’re not even sure if it was allergies or an actual disease. So, because I was in no condition to go to school, Mommy let me stay home with Grandma. Basically, I had a really boring, miserable day.

Oh, you want to know my symptoms don’t you?  Well too bad!  You’re not here!

Just kidding. I had a horribly sore throat, and a nose stuffed so ingeniously with mucous. I could never get all of it out.

Therefore I’d like to go to bed so I can fight off this illness by tomorrow. Good night!

May 12, 2017 (Friday)

Today is the day before my First Communion. I wish you were here, of all the people, you’d want to see this the most.

In Science today we did a really cool experiment. We’re starting a unit on Astronomy (yes!) and we’re learning how to predict when objects in space will collide. To learn about what happens when they actually collide, we watched a short forty-second clip on a demolition derby. Let me just say that was the BEST forty seconds of my school life. I LOVE demolition!

Anyway, for the experiment, Mrs. Vinje brought out tennis balls and handed one to everyone in the room. Then, we sat in a circle and Mrs. Vinje told us to roll our ball and handed one to everyone in the room. Then, we sat in a circle and Mrs. Vinje told us to roll our ball forward so it could crash into other balls. Then, we tallied up the number of hits to see how many times each ball knocked into another. It was a lot of fun!

May 13, 2017 (Saturday)

Today, I had my First Communion!  Step two of initiation, complete!  

Wanna hear the story?  Of course you do!

Ok, at nine o’clock we went to church to attend the First Communion ceremony. It was just like a regular church service but the First Communicants did a special prayer expression to God at the end. I’ll perform it when you get back, (if I still remember it) just ask. After the ceremony, Mrs. Vicky, the director of the religious education program, took a group and individual photo for each of us. (Probably have to buy it though.)

Anyway, when we got home, Laura and Henry (who were also at the Communion) gave me a gift. It was little necklace with Saint Christopher, the saint of athletes and travel. I also got a gift from Aunt Meg and Uncle Al, a really nice watch that has dual split time, so I can track your time too!

May 14, 2017 (Sunday)

Happy Mother’s Day!  Even though you’re a father I still feel like I need to say that…

To celebrate, we went to a Mexican restaurant with the Morigis. We went to the same restaurant for my birthday one year ago, remember?  It was the place with the tortilla maker. Us kids probably sat there watching that thing for thirty minutes total. It’s so mesmerizing!

I gave Mommy a handmade card titled “Twelve Reasons Why My Mommy is The Best Mommy In the World.”  She (of course) loved it. We sent you pictures.

May 17, 2017 (Wednesday)

I have MATH TESTING tomorrow. I’ve been doing fifty-five minutes of math practice a day, yet I still don’t feel prepared. I can thank Ms. Rogers for that. She’s drained all the confidence in me.

I was just reading the first couple entries, back in April. I’ve noticed this book has kind of shifted. At first it was a “Oh no, you’re gone. Let’s talk about you and me” kind of book. Now it seems to be a place for me to write my feelings down. You know, this book has kind of turned into a diary, don’t you think?  Let’s change it up. Tomorrow I’ll write as if I’m you. Let’s see how accurate I am!

May 18, 2017 (Thursday)

Hi Max,

As you know, I’m in Kabul, Afghanistan. I wish I was with you, I don’t really like it here. It smells like crap, literally!  They burn poop, so it constantly is smelling like the stuff. I wonder what you guys are up to. Probably having a lot more fun than I am. I wonder what you’re doing right now…(ironic you asked that DADDY!) I hope to facetime you soon, Max.

Love, 

Daddy

May 18.5, 2017 (Thursday)

That was my take on what you would write if you were to write me. I wonder how accurate I was….

As I mentioned yesterday. I had Math PARCC testing today. It was actually easier than I thought. I only had trouble on two, out of the twenty-two questions.

My middle school hosted an “Open House” this evening. It was from 6:30 – 8:30. We were only able to stay there until 7:30 though. We had to leave for New York. (I’ll talk about that in the next paragraph.)  Julia and Mommy got to build Thermal Protection Systems. You would’ve loved it. Mommy’s survival time was 13 seconds and Julia’s was 16 seconds!  I did help her though.

We left for a hotel in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. It took two hours but let just say, it was so worth it. We got two, full rooms for the four of us!  For only $116!  It was a suite!

May 19, 2017 (Friday)

We went to the Corning Museum of Glass in New York today!  We even got to make our own glass items. Mommy made a flower, while Julia, Grandma and I made sculptures. The flowers were for fourteen and up. The reason why was because when you make a flower, you actually get to use the tools to mold the molten glass. The rest of us got to blow the glass though. That was fun because while we created the shape, the employee sculpted it. After, we had an amazing our guide show us around all of the museum, one on one. She pointed out things we would’ve never seen if we were there alone. 

Of course, the whole point of our trip was to pick up the kittens. They first saw our faces in the parking lot of our hotel. Honestly, in pictures they looked so much bigger. They look like guinea pigs. Truly, these kittens are the most adorable, furry, go-lucky bundles of joy EVER to exist. 

May 21, 2017 (Sunday)

Mommy had a work picnic party we were all going to go to today. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling well enough to go. Of course, by the end of the day I was feeling much better. Mommy gave me a mix of Benadryl and Tylenol. So, instead of me telling how boring and miserable my day was, I’ll have Julia tell you all about the picnic.

——–Julia——–

“Hello ☺

I had a great day at the picnic today. We got cotton candy, there was a “rocky mountain” as they call it; it was a rock climbing mountain. Well I have to go brush my teeth so good bye.”

May 22, 2017 (Monday)

Hello. I stayed home from school today. My sickness definitely came from the pollen, I can just tell. A magazine came in the mail. It talked about allergies in the spring, and even gave a couple foods to help. The foods were apples, broccoli, fish, nuts, olive oil, and yogurt. I’m sure you already knew about most or all of the foods. I was surprised about broccoli, I thought that stuff was made just to annoy little kids after their parents say, “EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!”

Anyway, a few hours ago I was feeling a lot of ear pain. Turns out it was an ear infection!  Who wouldn’t know!  As a solution to all the discomfort, I put my noise-canceling headphones on. Why?  Because they put pressure on the ear, causing it to distribute the pain (or at least that’s how it felt).

Now, I walk around with headphones on and Mommy has to yell as me to do things because I can’t properly hear her.

May 27, 2017 (Saturday)

Today was one of the funniest days of my life. At around 2:00 pm, we left the house for the four o’clock game. I wanted to take the metro but Mommy (being the driver and all) overruled me. Apparently, Mr. Wes missed the train, so he had a delay too.

Of course, DC is packed and there’s absolutely NO parking (for under $50) anywhere NEAR the stadium. So Mommy decides to drive through a shady looking neighborhood. We ended up parking in someone’s alleyway for $30.

So, in our seats by 3:40, we had twenty minutes until start. Soon after, Mr. Wes arrives. That meant no more silence. He literally didn’t stop talking until he was choking on a chicken nugget. In the distress, his plate flies forward, causing nuggets and fries to rain on the child in front of us. To top it all off, Mommy then spilled ice cream, EVERYWHERE. (It was chaos.)  Ummm, sorry you weren’t there??

May 27, 2017 (Sunday)

We just watched the National Day Memorial Day Concert on the new TV!  Technically, it’s Sunday, but I’m sure by now its morning where you are. In fact, you’re probably watching the concert RIGHT now at breakfast. You do wake up at 5:00, right?  I wonder what it was like there when the concert hosts told all Military members to stand. Practically the whole room would, right!?  There was one story about a dad who went overseas while his wife and children, six and ten, sent him letters and packages. Kind of like us. Although the father eventually died….

Let’s take a minute to honor all the families who have had a loved one fight for our country….

In God We Trust

May 28, 2017 (Monday)

Happy Memorial Day!  We are so proud of you in Maryland!  I wish we were able to FaceTime but today has been quite an eventful day. Mommy decided to go on a shopping spree today. While shopping, we came across these two women who had tons of bags. We called them “shopaholics.”  Later, I realized WE were the real shopaholics.

Just about a half-hour ago, Luna was looking over the balcony. We suspect Julia scared her, causing her to jump and fall from the upper floor. All of us, including Galaxy, ran to her aid. What we found was a scared, torn pawed, bloody nosed, bruised Luna. The most reasonable theory is that Luna fell on her face, resulting in a bloody nose and seemingly chipped paw. We decided to keep her home, as the vet would be too new and scary for such a young kitten. I just hope Luna fully heals. 

(Mommy called the vet who said she was probably just stunned and to monitor her for a couple hours. She said kittens are very pliable and to bring her in if she seemed disoriented and wasn’t eating or responsive.)

June 1, 2017 (Thursday)

“Far up in the deep blue sky,

Great white clouds are floating by;

All the world is dressed in green;

Many happy birds are seen,

Roses bright and sunshine clear

Show that lovely June is here.”

-F.G. Sanders

Yay!  June has finally arrived. Now I’ll mess up all my dates on paper, writing “5-X-17” instead of “6-X-17.”  This is the month school finally ends!  Summer break, here I come. June is one of my favorite months for many reasons;

1. No more school
2. Trees have finished blooming
3. The weather is amazing
4. Summer camp starts
5. SPORTS

June 2, 2017 (Friday)

I LOVE Friday’s!  On Friday, I don’t have to worry about completing homework. I don’t have to stress about school the next day, and I certainly can play before doing homework. That’s exactly what I did today. This afternoon, Lauren came (to babysit) and we played outside for hours. At one point, Alex, from down the street, came over and played too. We even brought out the hose and played with it like a sprinkler. Friday afternoon was the BEST afternoon all week!

June 7, 2017 (Wednesday)

School has officially ended — well at least testing has ended. The final days of school have arrived. All work has been turned in and graded, kids are frantically emptying their lockers, no teacher dares to give students homework…so on and so on. You get the idea.

I heard of two other students in my 7^th grade class who have parents abroad for long term military assignments. One parent was in Germany; the other was in Iraq. We all learned about each other’s situation through mutual friends. We never directly confronted each other directly about our parents but we might catch each other walking down the hall and would very briefly talk about our parents in passing. I didn’t have any classes with either of these students, but we knew we shared a similar situation at home. I can’t say it made me feel any better or worse. It just was true.

In total, during the last four month of my 7^th grade class, only about a dozen kids ever mentioned something to me about my father being abroad. I was relieved that so few asked me about my father. I was especially uncomfortable being asked how I was doing by students I didn’t know well. In general, the less I knew a student, the more uncomfortable I would be when he or she would ask about me or my father. I was never sure what do say. I had no conception of where my father was or what he was doing or whether he was in any danger. So how could I answer questions about him with any sincerity. As far as I knew, at any given time, he was alive somewhere. That’s about all I knew or could say. But I knew that wasn’t really what these students and teachers were asking. They were asking something else – something about me maybe (am I changed? damaged? scared? indifferent?). Or maybe they were asking because somehow it made them feel better by asking – maybe it assured them that they were safer than me because their parents were home with them but my father was not.

I envied those students who had two parents at home. I quickly understood what it was like to have only one parent. I began to think about and understand what it must mean to a child to have divorced parents, or who lost a parent to early death, or what it might like to have an extended family raise a child. I also began to think about what it must be like to have a smaller family –three, maybe. For much of my time now at home, although my parents visited a lot and stayed with us for many weeks, our family was only three:  Mommy, Julia, and me.

I didn’t particularly like to tell other kids that my father was away because it kind of felt like it was a secret or too personal. I wasn’t interested in sharing such a private issue. And I also knew that there were other kids whose life was somehow worse:  both parents away or divorced, or a parent who had died. I didn’t want other kids thinking that I was making a big deal about my father being away. 

June 8, 2017 (Thursday)

In English, we’re making time capsules to open after we graduate high school. So far, in my capsule is a letter, a list, a Christmas card, an art project, an emoji, a book and a Student of the Month pencil. I’m still adding, of course. Mrs. Holihan said you literally cannot finish this assignment. I find that very true.

June 9, 2017 (Friday)

Every year, Mrs. Vinje, my science teacher, allows each student to build their own Thermal Protection System. As a bonus, if your TPS lasts two minutes of more, you get FIFTY extra-credit points. Fifty!  That’s practically a free A+!  Yesterday we were given only fifteen minutes (normally it takes weeks) to build our TPS. Today, we started testing. Period One, out of ten students, zero got even close to two minutes. However, in my class, Period Two, I was the second to go; the first didn’t get two minutes, but I did!  That meant I was the first to get two minutes for the grade!  Plus, fifty free extra credit points!  My grade in Science is now a 105.98%!  On top of all that, Mrs. Vinje made a trophy out of the burnt TPS. 

June 11, 2017 (Sunday)

Today we went to Toyota to look at new cars. There was one car that Mommy wanted to look at specifically and that was the Highlander. Personally, I love it!  It holds up to eight people, three of which can sit in the very back, a third row!  It also has many other cool features including window shades, surround sound, and even an intercom!  Mommy can see and hear everything we are doing without needing to turn around. It’s a little strange that we are shopping for a car without you, planning on you coming home a long time from now. 

June 12, 2017 (Monday)

Today was the LAST full day of school. I’m finally approaching the end of yet another, gruesome year. I just hope I end on a positive note, or else my summer would be a ticking time bomb. 

Anyway, in Health class we watched a show that aired back when YOU were a kid. The TV series was called “The Wonder Years.”  Recognize that name?  Probably not, I mean, all that show was about (at least, what I saw) was sex books and twelve-year old romances, which, let me just say, is not amusing.

June 13, 2017 (Tuesday)

Today we did ZERO work at school. You know, there really wasn’t a point in going, unless you like socializing!  I saw so many people exchanging phone numbers, giving cards away, etc. Some of the boys thought it’d be a good idea to ask out a bunch of girls … things might get awkward in 7^th grade for them!

As part of the celebration, Mr. Moffitt hosted a “surprise 6^th grade talent show.”  It, “surprisingly,” went really well. Even the teachers got in on it. The teachers got school supplies from their classrooms to make musical instruments related to what they teach. Mrs. Vinje had beakers (like a xylophone), Ms. Rogers had rulers (like drumsticks), Ms. Shepard had a globe (when spun it made sounds), and Ms. Holihan had a pencil case with pencils inside (like maracas).

June 14, 2017 (Wednesday)

Mommy and Julia are doing well. They, of course, still miss you. We’ve sort of learned to live with each other without you. I’ve noticed slight changes in their daily behaviors, for instance, Julia and I have become much more self-reliant instead of depending on you and Mommy. We have started helping around the house more, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, etc. Things that you might do regularly and Mommy doesn’t have time for. 

June 16, 2017 (Friday)

Hello!  How are you?  Not feeling so great?  I wouldn’t either if was working in a poop infested area.

Guess who came over today?  The Manzaris family!  They wanted to see the kittens. They were all hooked. Louisa, the littlest of their family, played with Galaxy and Luna the ENTIRE time they were at our house (which was over an hour and a half).

June 18, 2017 (Sunday)

I had my piano recital today. (I wish you could have heard it.)  The piano we were performing on was a grand piano, so it sounded quite different than normal. We still did great. One kid at the reception told me they’d vote me as president if they could.

Mommy took us to the Beviour Park today in DC. Sienna, Gavin, and Aunt Wendy joined us. I think the Beviour Park is my favorite park in the world!  The best part is the ropes course that they have suspended twenty feet in the air; it’s thrilling and fun at the same time. 

June 19, 2017 (Monday)

Today was the first day of Glenelg Summer Camp! Unfortunately, Mommy signed me up for tennis camp. Fortunately, it rained most of the day, so we were inside with Multisport (where I wanted to be in the first place). Unfortunately, this meant there was no pool time today. Fortunately, they had some other activities planned in case it rained. So, I fortunately had a good day!

June 21, 2017 (Wednesday)

Day three of Glenelg Summer camp…. Complete!

It’s always a good day when you don’t end up dead.

Ok, real talk. On a scale of one to ten, I rate tennis a six. The reason why it’s not a ten is because I think tennis is slightly repetitive. The reason why it’s not a zero is because there a lot of action. Of course, at Glenelg Summer camp nothing is a zero!

September 28, 2017

Today, Mr. Wright, my Geography teacher, asked me about my father. I immediately knew that Mommy must have told him about my father going to Afghanistan. (How else would he have known?)  I don’t remember what I said back to Mr. Wright, but I am sure it was a short reply. I didn’t particularly like talking about the subject. Mr. Wright’s question made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. I was not exactly sure what he was asking me either. Did he really care about my father? Or was he trying to understand if I was ok with him gone? Maybe both? 

Why does the question make me feel strange and uncomfortable?

I never like being asked how I am doing or how my family is doing – even before you left. I simply don’t like being asked such questions because they draw attention to me. And attention is something I never seek. I think I have always been this way. Having you abroad in Afghanistan may accidentally draw more attention to me. I’m not sure that’s such a good thing or a wanted thing. Having you abroad has strangely made me a little bit more of a subject of discussion at school. I’m definitely not happy about that.

October 17, 2017

Today, Ms. Elliott asked me how I was doing before class. I somehow could sense that Mommy had told Ms. Elliott, my mathematics teacher, that you were deployed to Afghanistan too. I knew what she was really asking me:  are you suffering, Max, with your father away? 

Like with Mr. Wright, I remember only replying something short. I am not quite sure what I am feeling when teachers ask about me and my father. I am somehow embarrassed. But why?  I don’t particularly enjoy talking about myself but I wonder if the teacher is asking something else, other than how I am. At least it feels that way.

October 19, 2017

I did a few google searches on the warzone military equipment you said you worked with in Afghanistan:  PTDS (Persistent Threat Detection System), the Predator and Reaper Unmanned Arial Vehicles, and the US Navy Scan Eagle.

October 25, 2017

I told myself to stay away from the thought that you might not come home. But, at times, the thought did enter my mind. I couldn’t help it. I thought first that such an experience would be not too different from others:  after all, many kids have only one parent or lost a parent to an early death. I assumed I would go through a series of emotions:  shock, denial, anger, sadness, and then some sort of acceptance. I knew that major attacks on US bases in Afghanistan weren’t really happening, so it was unlikely you would be killed during his duty there, though it was a war zone. And you assured me that your assignment was to headquarters which was less dangerous than other assignments through the country of Afghanistan. 

Overtime, I kind of got used to you being away. I became more independent and less reliant on my parents. Mommy had me separate my clothes for laundry, take my dishes to the sink, put myself to bed, get ready for school, do piano on my own. I didn’t cook, but was largely left to myself to organize everything else, including homework. I started to see how these and many other small things became important for the family to work while you are away. The more I did, the easier things went. At first, I didn’t exactly like it, though over time, they became just routine.

November 22, 2017

Today we received packages from Our Military Kids – an organization in Virginia that helps kids of servicemen deployed with financial support for activities or sports. Julia got some money to support her dance lessons and I got money for my piano lessons! Plus we got a package of information and a certificate. This is just terrific and we were both so excited and surprised. Apparently, Mommy had applied for these grants over the summer. What a smart and kind idea. Julia and I will remember our gifts for a long time and now piano will remind me of Daddy too.

Friday December 1, 2017 — HOMECOMING

Today, I thought, was like every other day. I said goodbye to Mommy in the morning, and walked to the bus stop. I went to school like I had for the last eight months, though with the summer off. 

After lunch, I had conjoined periods, 6 and 7 — Geography with Mr. Wright. It was like any other day I thought.

But about 20 minutes into class, Mr. Herdman came in with a small video camera. That wasn’t too strange because he often came in with his video camera to tape class discussions. But he just sat in the back.

A few minutes later, Mr. Shortridge, the Principal, and Mr. Gaylord, the Assistant Principal, walked in and stood in the back of class. I thought something was wrong or someone was in very big trouble. But they said nothing and Mr. Wright kept talking about Geography. In fact, I don’t even remember what Mr. Wright was talking about because the situation was kind of weird:  Mr. Herdman was videotaping the class and Mr. Shortridge and Mr. Gaylord were standing in the back of the class. And Mr. Wright was talking like nothing strange was happening at all.

Then Mr. Wright happened to mention that US servicemen were serving around the world and noted that I had told the class that Daddy was in Afghanistan. I perked up a bit. 

He turned to me and asked how long my father had been in Afghanistan.

“Eight months.”

“What if I told you that he’s right behind that door?”

At that moment, my father, LCDR James Van de Velde, United States Navy Reserve, in his green US Navy fatigues, walked into class, followed by my mother and my sister, Julia.

At first, I was embarrassed – I had all this attention directed at me! I didn’t know what I was feeling. I am not sure I felt much of anything at first. 

I also froze in my seat. I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to do. I debated in my head if I should move. It seemed like the moment was a big disruption of class! I’m not sure my mind understood what was happening. My first thought was that my father was interrupting class! 

But then my father motioned with his hand for me to come over, and I bolted over to hug him. 

The class clapped and cheered quietly. I saw and heard several girls cry.

After a few moments, my father walked to the front of the class. I said nothing. Mr. Shortridge and Mr. Gaylord came in and walked to the back of the class. Mr. Herdman continued to videotape the event.

My father thanked Mr. Wright for allowing him to interrupt class. He explained that he had been in Afghanistan for about seven months, writing papers about the enemy, about US Strategy there, and about what was happening. He explained that he was sent to Headquarters for Operation Resolute Support for the war effort there.

My father noted that the United States was cooperating militarily with the United Nations, at their direction, to try to bring some peace to the country, which he said was extraordinarily poor. He said that most in Afghanistan were illiterate and that most had no more than am 7^th grade education – less than this class already had in life. The hardest part for him was being away from his family.

There, he said, he bought two American flags and had them flown on the Headquarters official flagpole, in Kabul, Afghanistan. He also had a certificate created, transferring one of the flags to Clarksville Middle School (the other was to go to Pointers Run Elementary School – Julia’s school), and authenticating that these flags had been flown at the RS Headquarters building. The certificate was signed by Major General Gary Johnson, the Commander General for intelligence – my father’s specialty– there. He showed the class the plaque he had created, with the flag embedded in the plaque, with the signed certificate. He said he gives this plaque to the Principal, Mr. Shortridge, and to the School.

He ended by thanking Mr. Shortridge, Mr. Gaylord, and Mr. Wright for allowing this interruption and asked if Mr. Wright would excuse Max for the rest of the day. 

Mr. Wright smiled hugely and said he didn’t expect me to be staying.

I followed my father out the door and into the hallway.

My father was home. My family was whole again.