The Importance of Maintaining Childhood Routines during Times of Stress and Sacrifice

By Jane Bandler

As a psychological counselor, I recognize the value and importance of Our Military Kids’ mission - helping children and families of deployed National Guard and Reserve soldiers maintain their routines and outside interests during times of stress and sacrifice. Although we cannot take away the stress of the great sacrifice these children are already making, which is sharing a parent with the military and learning to grow up without the benefits of that parent being at home and involved in their everyday activities, we can at least help them maintain as normal a lifestyle as possible.

The psychological stress of living in a home where a parent is deployed cannot be minimized. Besides coping with the sadness and loneliness of missing a parent, there is the 24/7 stress of worry and concern for the well being of the parent soldier.

In general, we humans do not function well under stress. So it is understandable that children would have difficulty learning and enjoying everyday life when they have external worries and concerns due to the absence of a deployed military parent. Children and teenagers are not always the best at recognizing how they feel or understanding why they are feeling that way. Instead of being able to tell an adult when she/he feels overburdened, worried, or afraid, children might say “my stomach hurts,” or “I have a headache.” Other physical signals that a young person may be under stress are crying for no particular reason, becoming aggressive, talking back, or becoming irritable, nervous, fearful or panicky. Often the burden of recognizing stress in children ends up falling on parents, teachers, coaches and other outside observers.

It may be helpful for parents to have some guidelines on how to recognize stress in children and adolescents. Once the stress is recognized there are many ways to deal with it. Our Military Kids offers very practical and useful suggestions on how to involve children in sports, fine arts and/or tutoring to help them successfully cope with the trying times while a parent is deployed.

Some common signs of stress in children:

• Sleep problems
• Eating problems
• Academic performance deteriorates
• Withdrawal from friends, family and social gatherings
• Feelings of being left out and that no one likes him/her
• Complaints of persistent headaches and/or stomachaches
• Sad and/or melancholy mood
• Nervous, anxious, fearful or phobic for a few months

For the sports-minded child, group sports are a wonderful way to balance the mind and spirit and often help a child through difficult times and situational stress. The adrenalin from exercise, coupled with being involved in a team effort is a very positive way for children to escape from their daily worries and stress. Being part of a sports team helps children feel like an important member of a group. The team spirit makes children feel that they count and that their teammates care. A coach can also be a very positive influence on children and can help them understand how to be the best they can be, even under difficult situations.

Involvement in one of the Fine Arts can work in the same way to help children relieve stress and gain confidence. Art, music, and drama are wonderful outlets for a creative mind. Kids can lose themselves in the creative process, giving themselves a respite from their daily routine and stressful family concerns. Art is often used as a therapy tool to help people get away from their troubles and to express their emotions in a creative and artistic way. Sometimes it is hard for children to talk about their feelings, fears and worries. The impact of stress on a child depends on his/her personality, maturity and style of coping. In fact, often times kids are not even aware of the stress that they are experiencing, they just know that they don’t feel great, are tired, find it hard to focus or to keep up in school. Art, drama and or music can help with any of these feelings by allowing the student to focus on an outside creation, whether it is acting, art work or music performances. Children often learn a lot about themselves and their world by exploring new ideas and taking artistic risks to create something new.

Tutoring is a very positive way for a child to feel she/he can gain back control of her/his academics by getting one-on-one professional help. It is a common sign of stress for children’s grades to decline when a family is experiencing a difficult time. The loss of the daily presence of a parent in the home is a huge stress. The worry about the deployed parent’s safety and the disappointment that the missing parent cannot participate in family/school activities cannot be minimized. It is hard for some kids to focus on schoolwork when so much of his/her thoughts are taken up with such concerns. Tutoring allows children to have a one-on-one relation with a tutor who can work at the child’s speed and adapt the lessons to the child’s learning style. It is a positive way to help a child gain confidence in his/her academic abilities. It also helps alleviate the added burden of facing the social stigma of getting poor grades. A good tutor can also mentor and be a positive role model for the young person.

Our military children do not have a monopoly on stress. The military spouse/parent who stays home is also under stress and has so many expectations to fulfill for the children. Here are some tips to help parents understand how to help their children get through their stressful times:

• Keep communication lines open with your children.
• Let the children know that you understand that they are under a lot of pressure and they can talk to you without being judged.
• Try to keep the same routines and daily schedules that the children had before their parent was deployed. Children thrive on familiar and predictable schedules and feel safer when they know what to expect and how things work.
• Make sure to find time to allow your children/adolescents to relax, play and enjoy outside activities, as this is a wonderful way to learn about the world and themselves.